Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I am having some issues, all emotional, and I thought of venting through my blog. So, I find out the baby's gender on Tuesday the 23rd and I really don't know how I feel about that. I am scared to know because it means I am that much more emotionally invested and that really scares me. I know everything is looking healhty but until I see and feel the baby in 4 months I will not be certain. I'm very jaded, I know! Also, I am apprehensive because the baby I lost was a girl and so I am so scared if this one is a girl I will feel guilty for 'replacing' my last daughter. And I feel guilty because I think I want a girl. I want to do the girly things and I have a boy so it would just be perfect to have one of each. On the other hand, I will be upset if it is a girl because of the replacement issue or how could I love this one and not transfer my love from that one to this one? Also, if its a boy what if I am upset that it's not a girl? And for months of infertility and anxiously waiting for a positive pregnacy test now I am being so picky about gender!? Come on Julie, you just wanted a baby just be happy with the baby! So now you probably think I need Prozac, and you are probably right. I know whatever God chooses for me and Brad will be exactly what we need and I will be ecstatic with either outcome. I am just having really mixed emotions and I am sure pregnancy hormones are not helping. If you could say a quick prayer that I will find peace and know as long as my baby is healthy I don't care what it is! Thanks gems!
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I don't think there are any words that I can say to make things better.I will continue to pray for you and your family.
ReplyDelete"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13
Oh, sweet Julie--I am so sorry. I can so relate to this...not specifically because I never lost a baby...but I have had MAJOR hormone issues (infertility, too) and those hormones can be from HELL and just take you on such an emotional roller coaster. I know God has a perfect plan for you and your family and this baby is going to be a perfect addition to your family...boy or girl. Just hang in there and take all those feelings to God- He can handle it, He doesn't judge and He understands every feeling and emotion we have. I am saying a prayer for you and your precious baby!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way (sort of)!! I go on the 23rd as well and I want a girl so so so bad but I'm scared of what my reaction will be if they tell me its a boy. I know this sounds totally awful but I can't help my feelings!!! It seems like nobody understands that either!! I will be thinking about you on Tuesday!!
ReplyDeleteOh Julie... first off, the most important thing, I am praying!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, whatever your initial reaction is, in time... you will be so giddy over either baby --- boy or girl. =) My brother wanted a boy SO BAD! He was absolutely convinced that God would give him a boy (no joke!). So when they found out it was a girl, he was pretty shocked and even a little sad at first. But now he is beyond thrilled to see his little girl. =) So whatever you initial reaction is, if you feel sadness, just know that it will be replaced with great joy!
Thirdly (don't you like how I am numbering these... ha!) you don't need Prozac. Being a woman, losing a baby, and pregnancy are just all working against you on this one!
Fourthly, I literally cannot imagine the feelings that you have. In our Beth Moore video last night (btw, we sure do miss you!) she was talking about sometimes we just don't know why things happen... but one thing we do know. Our God is Faithful and True. And He loves you.